Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
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technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
The photographer’s assistant
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Finally, an explanation.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
TWEET CALL
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Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.