[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
You Might Also Like
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator