Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
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“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
remember
only for emergencies
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons