Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
he chose this
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm