me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”