And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.