Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.