My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
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Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Sunday
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
somebody come look at this
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you