[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Okay
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
When can I start eating bats again.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.