Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
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These are my roll models.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Don’t snitch tag.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at