BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
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“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.