[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
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Looking at you, Jesus.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Happy Star Wars day!
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
This is why I hate group projects
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.