Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
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Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen