My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.