My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
You Might Also Like
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.