lmao
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Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.