[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.