Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.