WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario