I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.