The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
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Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Fidel Castro was alive?
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.