Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
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When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.