*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
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me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
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ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
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Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby