Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
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[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”