Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
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6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these