#growingpains
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Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
My love language is hissing.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears