“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.