People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
love it when they get my name right
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?