My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
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“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Don’t tell me what to do
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress