My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
You Might Also Like
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
when nothing goes right… go left
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.