When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
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Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*