Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
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“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
“TGIM!” – My liver
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier