We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
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‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears