5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
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Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia