Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
is there nothing we can trust anymore
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.