I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
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WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot