Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.