It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
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Eggs benadryl my favourite
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain