It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Wednesday
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast