I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
You Might Also Like
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Never let them know your next move 😂
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.