Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
the clam before the storm
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth