I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I feel it
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT