My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?