Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
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Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
When the doctor asks about my sex life.