professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
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“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now