“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
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She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*