Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.