Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
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This came to me in a dream.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’m having an out of money experience.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”