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My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
I need to get some bricks…
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.