by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
had to share :’)
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy